I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
do nipples grow back?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
