so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
