he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
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