i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
zippers are such a cool invention
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Let's paint friendship bongs
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
