He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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