So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
