You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
