I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Girls should come with a carfax report
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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