Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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