you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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