I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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