Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
