I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
