god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
