if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
