My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
