I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
