I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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