I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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