Your mouth is God's brothel.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
