The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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