I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
