our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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