I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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