watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
