Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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