Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
