My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
