I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
