the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
