I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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