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This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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