My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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