Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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