Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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