K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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