You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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