So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
