Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
