did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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