so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
