At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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