this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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