Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
