So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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