Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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