Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
