my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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