she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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