I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
