Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
