So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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