so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
