the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
