You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
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