Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
