I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
